Vanuatu Applauds Call for ‘Government Intelligence’

[Originally published on – Vanuatu’s Satire website]

Police Commissioner Joshua Bong’s call for improved government intelligence was roundly supported by all sectors of Vanuatu Society. The announcement, made at the closing of a recent security conference, met with enthusiastic responses from everyone this writer interviewed.

A survey of 100 people asking the question ‘Do you support intelligence in government?’ resulted in a 97% response for the ‘yes’ side. Two respondents, both MPs, had not finished reading the question when the poll closed. The third, a prominent minister, replied that he has campaigned for intelligence and that he supported the idea of intelligence in principle, but he could not condone its use in government at this time, as it might undermine the balance of power.

There were a few mixed responses. The reaction of one group of youths was difficult to gauge, as their sustained laughter made it impossible for them to speak. A chief from Kivimani village on the island of Futua Lava seemed to call for part-time intelligence, observing, “Ol minista oli waes finis, be waes ia i kasem olgeta long aftanun nomo.

Approached for comment, a police spokesman said, “That’s not the kind of intelligence we meant. We meant analysis and data gathering and…. Oh. Right. Yeah, I think I see what you mean. Yes, I think intelligence in government would be a great idea.

More on this breaking story as it appears. Assuming more intelligence actually does appear.